Twitter Updates Its Terms of Service for the Trump Era

You may use the Services only if you agree to form a binding contract with Twitter and are not a person barred from receiving services under the laws of the applicable jurisdiction. In any case, you must be at least 13 years old to use the Services, or the leader of a country who has admitted to walking in on underage models while they were getting changed at a sham beauty pageant you run in name alone. If you are accepting these Terms and using the Services on behalf of a company, organization, government, or other legal entity, you represent and warrant that you are authorized to do so, unless you are a publicly elected federal official who lost the popular vote, colluded with a hostile foreign power, and are literally incapable of laughter, sorrow, or the most basic expression of human empathy, as your soul, if such as thing exists, has been irrevocably tarnished by a foul coagulation of hatred and greed.

Our Privacy Policy describes how we handle the information you provide to us when you use our Services. You understand (very few things if you’re a infantile sociopath) that through your use of the Services you consent to the collection and use of this information, including the transfer of this information to the United States, Ireland, and/or other countries for storage, processing and use by Twitter and its affiliates. We continue to accept Rubles.

You are responsible for your use of the Services and for any Content you provide, including compliance with applicable laws, rules, and regulations. You should only provide Content that you are comfortable sharing with others, unless you are trying to harrass or verbally assault women, which we’re totally cool with.

Any use or reliance on any Content or materials posted via the Services or obtained by you through the Services is at your own risk. We do not endorse, support, represent or guarantee the completeness, truthfulness, accuracy, or reliability of any Content or communications posted via the Services or endorse any opinions expressed via the Services. You understand that by using the Services, you may be exposed to Content that might be offensive, harmful, inaccurate or otherwise inappropriate, or in some cases, postings that have been mislabeled or are otherwise deceptive. All Content is the sole responsibility of the person who originated such Content. We may not monitor or control the Content posted via the Services and, we cannot take responsibility for such Content. If you are a literal Nazi, we’ll do what we can to verify you. Please tell us more about your plans for race-based genocide!

Twitter respects the intellectual property rights of others and expects users of the Services to do the same. We reserve the right to remove Content alleged to be infringing without prior notice, at our sole discretion, and without liability to you. Especially you, Rose McGowan. You can go fuck yourself. We will respond to notices of alleged copyright infringement that comply with applicable law and are properly provided to us, as described in our Copyright policy.

You retain your rights to any Content you submit, post or display on or through the Services, because if you didn’t it would be insane. What’s yours is yours — you own your Content (and your photos and videos are part of the Content).

Twitter has an evolving set of rules for how ecosystem partners can interact with your Content on the Services. These rules exist to enable an open ecosystem with your rights in mind. You understand that we may modify or adapt your Content as it is distributed, syndicated, published, or broadcast by us and our partners and/or make changes to your Content in order to adapt the Content to different media. For example, you could tweet “Happy birthday to my mom!” and we could change it to “Mom, eat a bowl of shit!” You represent and warrant that you have all the rights, power and authority necessary to grant the rights granted herein to any Content that you submit.

The laws of the State of California, excluding its choice of law provisions, will govern these Terms and any dispute that arises between you and Twitter. All disputes related to these Terms or the Services will be brought solely in the federal or state courts located in San Francisco County, California, United States, and you consent to personal jurisdiction and waive any objection as to inconvenient forum.

If you are a federal, state, or local government entity in the United States using the Services in your official capacity and legally unable to accept the controlling law, jurisdiction or venue clauses above, then those clauses do not apply to you, as do no other laws or standards of common decency. For such U.S. federal government entities, these Terms and any action related thereto will be governed by the laws of the United States of America (without reference to conflict of laws) and, in the absence of federal law and to the extent permitted under federal law, the laws of the State of California (excluding choice of law).

Effective: From now until this terrible hellscape ends.

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