I Wonder

I sometimes wondered if she could see the way I looked at her. I think she caught me staring more than a few times. I loved the way her hair cascaded across her shoulders. The way she would flip it back off her face.
I couldn’t help but notice how her shirts tightened across her chest, I loved the outline of it, the way her nipples teased through the fabric.
She always had a kind word for everyone. She was also wicked smart. I look back now at all the time spent at her house, eating pizza, sneaking cigarettes outside, watching movies, and talking about boys when all I wanted to do was kiss her. Trace my tongue along that sweet mouth of hers. Whisper to her how I felt. That I loved her. I loved her so much more than I dared to say out loud.
She was safe. She was warm. When so many had been cruel and cold. I found shelter in her friendship but I wanted more. I longed for it.

When I had nowhere to go, her bed was home to me. No, not in the way you are thinking. In the way that I could sleep through the night. In the way that I wasn’t afraid. In the way that I didn’t feel alone.
I woke one morning in that bed, my nipples tingling under her touch. She circled them with her fingertips over my t-shirt. She made them so hard.
“What are you…” I started to ask.
“Shhh, aren’t you curious?” She kissed my neck softly.

Mmm yes, I was. I turned my head to face hers, and I kissed her. I finally, finally kissed her. My tongue finding hers, my hands searching her body. Struggling with the buttons on her nightie as I had never undone a button before. She giggled at me, and I was in awe of her. I loved touching her. Kissing her. Exploring her. Tasting her. That morning felt like a dream. I curled up beside her, stroking her hair and thinking about what had just happened.
And the words just came out…

“You know… I love you.”
She popped up and kissed my forehead, “I know… silly. I love you too,”
But I knew though we spoke the same words, we weren’t saying the same thing. I realized she knew that too. I felt so embarrassed.
I withdrew after that. It’s what I tend to do when I feel too vulnerable. I shut down. I stopped seeking the solace of her friendship. I also stopped being her friend. I broke my own heart in a way. The silence between us grew until there was too much distance to cross.
When we were friends, I sometimes wondered if she could see the way I looked at her, now I wonder if she even remembers me at all.

Related posts:

The journey of Amal family started in July 2017 at Punjab University New Campus. At the start, we were around 59 fellows in the batch. I belong to 39 batch. I remember the first day when we did not…

Product and behavioral analytics tools can be an incredibly powerful way to measure your business’s performance, and understand how people are interacting with your website, app, Facebook Page, and…

Our current method of symptomatic healing is ignoring the ecosystem of our health and its holistic functions. Antibiotics for infections, antidepressants for depleted serotonin levels, opiates for…