How to win an argument without arguing

So you and your coworker don’t agree. You’ve hit an impasse and have spent the better part of the last few days arguing about why A is better than B.

It really doesn’t make sense they can’t see that I’m right and they’re wrong. Clearly A is the only solution. Just look at A.1 or A.2, and don’t get me started on A.3.

Sound familiar? We’ve all been there. Amidst all the joys of working with other people, one of the downfalls is that, well, you have to work with people, and honestly, sometimes those people suck.

I recently found myself in one of these heated arguments with a coworker. I remember the frustration; the anger. We were at a deadlock and my work couldn’t move forward until we agreed. I remember telling myself, “It’s probably because I’m a Level 2 Engineer. If only I was a higher level, then I could command more respect.” But alas, I was not a higher level, and it was my work that was blocked, not his. I knew I was right and he was wrong, but all attempts to convince him thus far had been in vain, and I’d be damned if I was going to implement a clearly wrong solution. I was right, wasn’t I?

It was at this point that I did what I recommend everyone do when they hit a roadblock: seek alternate advice. I spoke with someone who I knew had worked closely with this person in the past. I went in figuring that, if anyone, he must know how to change their mind. His advice was simple and profound.

It was one of those moments of clarity. The answer was so obvious I felt slightly stupid for not coming to it on my own.

I took this new realization back into the argument. This time the conversation was different. It was one of listening as opposed to telling. It turned out I didn’t know about B.4 and he didn’t realize the depths of A.3. After putting myself in his shoes, it made sense why he thought he was right. In the end, we agreed to implement A, and although I was the one with the right information that time, there have been many times since when I was the one with the wrong information.

I’ve thought a lot about confrontation since that time and have come up with 5 guidelines I use when I find myself in a disagreement.

What are some guidelines/tips you use when you find yourself in a disagreement?

Have any good stories about a situation when you were certain you were right but in the end you were wrong?

Thanks for reading.

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