Do I Look Fat in This?

Dad came and got me out of the dog house earlier. I was glad, too, cuz Max is a great dog but his farts stink. Mom says they smell like rotten eggs.

He bent down and poked his head inside. “Whatcha doin’ in there son?”

I didn’t exactly know how he knew where to find me but his timing was great. I’d been wiggling for about five minutes trying to hold in my pee. “Where’s Mom?” I asked.

“Is that why you’re out here? Well, the coast is clear. She’s at the mall with your sister buying school clothes. On her way out, she said I might find you here. C’mon, let’s get you outta there and have a little talk.”

I crawled out ahead of Max, who had his nose up my butt. I guess he was trying to help me move faster. “Can I pee first?” I asked.

“Sure, and while you’re in there, change into your swim trunks. I’ll turn on the sprinkler, for after we chat and drink rootbeer floats.”

“Did Mom go all the way to Newport Beach?” The dirt was muddy from Max’s water bowl, so I wiped my hands on my pants, which I figured was okay since Mom wasn’t around.

“No. Why would you think that?” Dad followed me through the screen door and headed towards the kitchen while I went down the hall.

“You said the coast is clear. I thought maybe you meant that she went to the mall at the beach because it’s a sunny day.”

Dad’s laugh followed me all the way into the bathroom and Max joined in, too. I could hear his toenails tapping on the kitchen floor. That’s what he sounds like when he runs in circles chasing his tail. It means he’s really happy. You gotta be careful, though. Sometimes he gets so excited, he accidentally sprays whoever’s near him.

I finished peeing, put on my trunks, and met Dad outside at the umbrella table.

“So what happened to get Mom so mad at you?” he asked.

“I was minding my own business eating my Frosted Flakes and Mom came in. She said, ‘Do I look fat in this?’” I took a big spoonful of the rootbeer-crusted ice cream. Yum.

“You didn’t say yes did you?”

“No, cuz she’s not. All I said was that she looked like one of the clowns we saw at the circus last year.”

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